kick me

2009-08-11T16:41:00.000+08:00

it's been a while.
many things has changed.
i'm someone else now.
more respinsibilities,both at work and home.

work
killing me softly.
sometimes it's good.
and when i feel like i finally can understand.
i fall again.
but this time,when i fall.
nobody's there.
as always.
nobody's there.

i wonder.
is it me?
or is it the world?

2008-10-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

Dear friend,

I know I said I understood
But actually I only wished I could
You said we will be friends forever
You said I will never be replaced
So what is happening now?
You don't seem to be like who you are

1 day you met him
And suddenly he was all you had in mind
You'd rather spend your time with him
And leave all the plans we had behind
Is there no more place for me dear friend?
Why do I feel like you're so far?
We went from strangers to friends to strangers again
Is this who you really are?

Dissapointment is what I feel
When I look back and see you with him
Don't get me wrong dear friend,
I'm happy that you have found a man
I just wished I could see the reason why
Being with him caused you to be so blind
I know I said I understood
But actually I only wished I could

2008-08-05T21:10:00.002+08:00

Dear friend,
Im sorry for putting you through so much.
I know that you had done a lot for me and I appreciate every bit of it.
But,I don't know why,I just don't feel the same these days.
I tried to behave like how I normally do but the cracks are beginning to show.
It was that dreadful day when you had been less than honest did I realised that I had began to trust you.
And that,was the moment I knew that slowly,but surely,I have to let you go.
Dear friend,I'm sorry for putting you through so much.
I know that you had done a lot for me and I appreciate every bit of it.
But I have to,I just have to let you go.

2007-09-07T17:16:00.001+08:00

attachments at kk just ended..im quite sad surprisingly coz i was genuinely enjoying myself there..was able to learn many things frm very patient and understanding nurses..working with infants and children needs a lot of patience but it also brings a lot of joy..now,im seriously thinkin of working there one day..maybe,juz maybe,i'll end up working with those ppl who had helped me so much in this attachment..
so,here is my official THANK YOU to da STAFF NURSES AND ENROLLED NURSES of WARD 62 =)..u guys rock!!

2007-08-27T18:30:00.000+08:00

he said:i love you..
i replied:you shouldn't..
he said:but i do..
i replied:why?
he said:maybe it's fate..i just don't feel right when i don't hear from you
i replied:hmmm..
he said:i really love you..
my heart whispered:ya right you moron..screw you..

only close friends would know who i had this conversation with.. :)

anyway,attachment at kk just started..so far so good..CUTE toddlers and TINY babies..hope they get well soon..

2007-06-28T20:35:00.000+08:00

wad an enlightening week it has been..i finally stopped deluding myself n dis other person abt our grp of friends..things definitely has changed..suddenly we're now 2 saperate parties..it was expected actually since da amt of time we spend wif each other as a grp is actually less den an hr a day..but,da transition since to be too fast for dis friend..guess she is rather upset with what was becoming to us..whatever it is,i juz hope our relationship wont get strained since we will be seeing each other for da rest of our poly lifes..

on a brighter note,some1 wrote a poem for me..well,half of it anyway..here it is..

White Rose ( part 1 )
White Rose
dancing rain drops.
not even the water drops has such delicate hands
not even the snow has such been as white before as they land.
just like the pony covered with sand,,
should i climb over your window to give you a white rose,
or should i just be content being near but a distant away.
why should we believe in celebrations,
they don't last anyway,
id say, reincarnation?
why should we envy that diamonds are forever
when they are covered with bloods of the poverty,
nothing lasts forever,
but figures are till infinity,
but you made me smile.
in my deepest thought,
i pondered,and wondered.
will it be forever,
through the hands of the crippled,
only by nature they seem,
being wheeledchair around is not a joyful sight.
but being the hope that created the smile,
will remain blessed by Him,
you have given me what others cant,
to live and love life.
to be loved takes a miracle.
to have a miracle,
we must believe,..
believe in mystical?
life is a destination,
where it may lead is just a cycle
but love is a commitment,
like a pair of cuffs being shackled..
...

sweet isnt it?

2007-06-17T14:10:00.000+08:00

things r juz so fucked up..

i guess i m pathetic..
my parents are constantly fucked up wif me..my friends r beginnin to move away..my cuz thinks im out to destroy her..my bedroom looks like a fuckin piece of crap..basically,my whole damn life is in a mess..

parents,
stop pushin me n i might stop pushin u away..

friends,
i wish to be there for every1 but some things i juz cant help..pls understand..

cuz,
u will probably not see dis but i'll juz say it anyway..
i will never,ever do anythin dat will hurt u..im sorry if u didnt like wad i did but we dun work da same way..in my eyes,wad i did was not wrong n i dunnno how u got to know abt it but i hope it wasnt thru checkin my stuff..i dunno if u r ever gonna speak to me again but if u do,i noe things wont be da same..once again,im sorry

room,
i cant wait to fuckin move out..

life,
i guess i'll juz have to get used to it..

there u go..a perfect fucked up life completed wif a smile..

2007-06-12T20:52:00.000+08:00

had a bbq cum chalet thingy yesterday..woke up early in da mornin n meet up wif my classmates to go n shop for da stuff..shopping in ntuc is always fun (very aunty,i noe) n we actually took quite a short time to get all da items..after dat,off to downtown east..

i had been waitin for dis chalet for quite some time now..it was all i could think abt while i was studyin for my bio prac n during da prac test itself,i was thinkin if i missed out on anythin to buy..it was crazy i tell u..i was practically counting down da days..it has been quite some time since i felt dis excited over somethin..it was like being a child again..

anyway,da chalet was gd..found out stuff abt each other..some expected n some intriguing..learnt a lot about my friends thru our 4hr long midnight talking marathon..
we juz started talkin n soon things were pourin out..i also said some stuff abt myself n ya,im actually quite glad to noe dat i do have support frm some of them although they r not obligated to do so..

wished da chalet was longer but it was fun n meaningful nonetheless..glad dat every1 turned up n everythin went well..hope to do dis again sometime soon..will miss da moments n conversations we had dearly..lookin forward to our work-first-den-save-money-to-go-to-(country undecided) trip..haha..

2007-06-08T20:32:00.001+08:00

i still hear u in da rain

2007-05-11T23:38:00.000+08:00

a year has passed since u left..
time travels so fast,doesnt it?

time heals all wounds they say..
but how come ur memory still lingers?
arent i supposed to get more distant frm these memories?
guess not..
i hope u r doin well..
mom is ok but she still cries every day..
she is juz waitin to die..i can tell..
dad is ok but i saw him cry yesterday..
im ok too..
juz a little messed up knowin whatever i do,i'll never be as gd as u..
but dats ok..i can live wif it..

ppl in skool ask me y i look sad..
wad should i say?
if u were here,you'd tell me wad to do..

one year has passed..
1 year without hearin ur voice n jigglin of da keys when u get home..
1 year without u standin in front of da tv while im watchin it..
1 year without u purposely sprayin ur perfume in my room coz u noe i hate it..
1 year wif no bickerin,no fights,no laughters,no secrets shared..
1 year wif nothin..
1 year without u..

i hope u r doin fine..

2007-04-19T21:25:00.000+08:00

things has changed,hasnt it?

2007-04-01T15:58:00.000+08:00

whoah..hadnt blogged in a loooong time..
anyway,went to town wif vanny today to go for our little clay session where we make magnets usin clay..we painted our creations today..at first when i saw da pieces,i thought how har could it possibly be but,i was sooo wrong..there are many dif kind of techniques to use to create dif effect..so,at the end of it,dis was was we got..

dis is van's

dis is mine

not bad for a first timer i guess..it was definitely LOADS of fun..i recommend it to everyone..
anyways,after da session,we went on to have lunch den it was off to toys'r'us..haha..yes,toys'r'us..it was kinda fun actually..n i juz realised dat i m gettin a bit old n there r juz some toys which i juz dun understand how to play..gone are da days where kids juz play masak-masak..HAHA..dis is us goofin ard a little..

dat feathery thing is VERY uncomfortable..

van was kickin my ass wif dat damn sword of hers..

overall,nice day spent wif a friend..oh ya,dad juz bought me an ipod..so,i juz wanna say,THANKS DAD!

2007-02-16T14:22:00.000+08:00

today is da end of my 3rd paper..2 more 2 go..

headed to jing yi's place after psych paper..was suppose to be like a farewell thingy for her since she was goin back n stuff..so,da 8 of us went over n her mom had already prepared noodles by den..
jing yi n a few of da others were like preparin to serve us since it was her house n all so da rest of us juz sat down at da sofa n minded our own business..i was eating a keropok n was trying to figure out wad flavour it was when out of no fuckin where,the bunch of them juz came up from behind and shouted out a birthday song..i was so fuckin shocked dat i nearly jumped out of my seat..for a moment i was wonderin whose b'day it was when i realised they were all lookin at me..HAHA..it was my little surprise b'day party..

dis was how my cake looked like..

dis is my present..

i seriously had no idea they were plannin that..very sweet of them..thanks u guys!really appreciate it..

2007-01-20T23:08:00.000+08:00

attachment is finally over..my feet hurts..im tired n dis time im fuckin glad its over..but wait,da next 1 starts on da 26th of feb..bloody shithead..cant da skool have more compassion n let us have a damn holiday without attachment..
on a brighter note,da ppl there were nice but workin is still fuckin tirin..wad more can i say..its a love-hate relationship between me n attachments..fuck it..

(p.s. my new year's resolution is to use lesser swear words..guess i have to work on dat..damn it..)

2006-12-31T00:29:00.000+08:00

today was da first ever time i went to vivo since it opened..a bit slow i noe..haha..went wif ms OH JIA WEN who guided me thru dat place..for that,i thank u..lol!..she also gave me a nice christhmas gift..thanks gal!

anyway,it had been a long time since i met her so time juz flew by..it was fun n it went a little crazy after we heard 'dat' song..haha..
here r some pics..

at vivo..

in da train..

still in da train..

had loads of fun today gal..really hope to c u soon ya.. :p

2006-12-22T23:40:00.000+08:00

went to da smrt CEPP thing today..it was not bad la..quite interesting..my train was supposed to have a terrorist leavin a bomb under da seat..haha..it was quite pathetic actually coz they asked an old uncle to be da terrorist..lol..da most interesting part was when we got off da train through da back doors..yup,damn pathetic..i noe..haha

anyway,went to bugis after dat to cut my hair..yes,again..but nothing special dis time..juz a simple cut..after all,my hair is too short to do much thing anyway..

2006-12-17T00:57:00.000+08:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XKG9OxcKbpQ

what has the world come to..

2006-12-11T20:29:00.000+08:00

skool is endin..ICAs has been completed..now,attachment is comin..i have no life man..its either work or study..can rarely find time these days..

went to malaysia on saturday..went to those aunty-ish places so didnt get to buy anythin..met my little niece though..damn adorable la..n she is a bit 'pelat'..she calls me aunty nuyul..haha..she cant pronounce 'r' properly..n she is da most obedient little gal i've ever met..da parents dun have to say anythin twice..haha..she is also always always smilin..

n here she is..sofiya n her barney..

this is her wif me..

her in da streets of KL holdin onto my hand..

she is barefooted coz her shoes were so freakin heavy n she was complainin..so,off wif the shoes..of course her dad carried her ard la..think her parents should buy her crocs shoes instead of clarks..anyway,she did put her shoes back on coz she wanted to walk wif me..lol..i guess she likes me..i like u too sofi..haha

2006-11-27T21:19:00.000+08:00

da moment i saw u cry,my heart juz broke..
i didnt noe my words were so important..
i didnt noe u were so upset abt da things i said..
i didnt noe u were so hurt dat it made u cry..
i didnt noe i was so important to u..

im sorry for all the things i said..
i didnt mean it..
im sorry i upsetted u..
i didnt see it coming..
im sorry u had to cry..
i m not worth ur tears..

i didnt noe wad to do..
i juz wanted to embrace u n tell u dat it was gonna be ok..
but,i guess it would be too weird..

all i can say now is,u didnt dissapoint me..
i m not upset..
i m not gonna leave..
u r important to me too..
however,i cant promise u things will be da same in da future..
let's juz hope everythin will turn out well..
once again,im sorry..

2006-11-24T07:35:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kt4FonjkpSw&mode=related&search=HIV%20AIDS%20disease%20difference%20health%20lifestyle%20tips%20reasons%20learn%20education

2006-11-22T23:15:00.000+08:00

i didnt look back dat evenin..

i asked if u regretted it..
u said yes..u did..
i didnt noe y but at dat moment i felt..somethin..somethin different..
i didnt noe u regretted it so much..
da way u looked when u said "yes,i regret"..
it was as if i was a mistake..a mistake dat happened to u..
i'm sorry u feel dat way..
but,i wanna tell u dat,i dont regret..
i never did..

da way u manage to make me feel dat day..dat was da reason i didnt look back..

2006-11-13T20:58:00.000+08:00

i'm not sure when it happened but now i guess its a little hard to go back..
we were too foolish to think we can juz play da game n walk away as strangers when we r done..
now,u r stuck n i m left confused..
sometimes i wonder if i really mean it when i say dat u mean nothin to me..
izzit my way to protect myself frm u?
i noe i m tired of da games ppl play..
but,wif u,i dun seem to mind da fatigue..
u somehow make it worthwhile..
but,i guess we r not meant to be..
u already have a life..
now,i have to keep on lookin for mine..
da best thing for me to do now is to walk away..
leavin u behind..
afterall,i m dead inside..

2006-11-05T22:10:00.000+08:00

happy birthday abang..happy birthday

2006-11-01T22:15:00.000+08:00

for da first time in my life i dun noe wad da hell im doin..ppl keep on tellin me i have to try to accept wad has happened n i noe i should too..but,it is juz so hard..trust me i wanna get on wif my life as well but things r not easy..i never thought i will have to go through losin some1 so dear to me at dis stage of my life..it may not seem like i even think of him at all but in actual fact i think of him every single day..mom doesnt think i care but if only she knew how i am feelin right now..

i dun wanna look at his photos or talk abt him or visit his grave dat often coz it all juz reminds me of da fact dat he is gone..i dun think im ready to b facin dat right now..it may sound stupid but i will dial is hp no. sometimes juz to check whether i am juz imaginin all of dis..it all seems like a weird dream dat never seem to end..

i really dunno how to handle dis matter..dis is actually da first time im grievin n i dunno how to go abt doin it..i feel so helpless coz i cant even help myself..n pretendin to b happy in skool is tiring me out..even smillin is a chore sometimes..nobody understands me in skool n i dun blame them..i guess i dun wanna be understood..n it is not their responsibily to understand me..

however i would really like to thank those hu actually bothers to ask me out n tries to make things better for me..juz havin ppl ard me actually helps a lot..i deeply appreciate ur gestures..i will bounce back frm dis situation n try to accept things..but,i dun think i have da strength or guts to do it right now..i guess da day i forgive myself for not waking up sooner will b da day i let things go..i m juz not ready yet..not tonight..

2006-10-28T23:13:00.000+08:00

met up wif vans woo today..omg!today is da first day in a long long long time snce i laughed dis much..she n her craziness cause me to laugh to death 1 day..ok dat was lame i noe..haha..anyway,got myself a bag frm check..ya,like finally..n oso some make up stuff..not bad la..quite cheap da make up..85 bucks n i got a mascara,a lip gloss n a base from paul & joe..

n dat vans woo is so irritatin..she looks gd in all da damn hats she tried la..even da haloweed hats ok..can u imagine..n i was lookin damn weird wif those caps la..except for maybe da beach hat which is used when fryin kway teow..hahaha..i think it is so unfair dat her head fits everythin, right?

anyways,it was a nice day,we had a nice conversation n i had a great time..at da end of the day,dats all dat matters i guess..

2006-10-27T20:33:00.000+08:00

wow..past few days been busy busy busy..skool is such a rush now..everythin is so quick..haha..anyway,bio was fun yesterday..

some facts abt bio:

1.'Testis' means 'orchid' in latin..yes,as in da flower..da testis was named after da orchid because da orchid sort of looks like it..HAHA

2.doctors in da past didnt wanna do amputation so,they asked who else..da barbers of course..in the past,barbers were da 1 hu went ard amputatin soldiers body parts..cool huh!so ppl,start respectin ur barbers today..

erm,i cant remember da rest of it..but its all so interestin..n man,my bio lecturer,no in fact most of my lecturers tells dirty jokes..wad a change frm sec sch..haha..its gd to b treated like an adult..isnt it?

2006-10-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

i juz cut my hair..yup,again!haha..but dis time it sux..da hairstylist wasnt creative at all so i m v dissapointed wif my hairstyle now..but,its ok,next time i dun go to dat place anymore..if my usual place was open on dat day,dis wouldnt have happened..damn da asshole of an hairstylist..

2006-10-15T21:13:00.000+08:00

MY TIMETABLE SUCKS..DAMN IT!!

2006-10-08T22:18:00.000+08:00

attachments r finally over..da ppl in da polyclinic r very very nice n friendly..learnt a couple of things there n saw how stitchin n some other procedures were done..da whole experience was not bad..

anywayz,celebrated mid autumn festival in skool where old folks from a few homes were invited..a few sad life stories were told but every1 cheered up soon enough..

however dis 1 particular granny seem to have quite an impact on me..she told a friend of mine dat she is already old n useless..n my friend's usual reply was of course to assure her dat she is not old n certainly not useless..den,da granny proceded to tell her story..she had celebrated mid-autumn festival alone for da past few years coz nobody visited her..her children n grandchildren r too busy too entertain her..my friend told her dat it was ok n dat she can celebrate mid-autumn festival wif us for da yrs to come n she can also treat us like her grandchildren..dat was when da granny revealed,with tears at the brim of her eyes,dat da doctor said she doesn't have much time left..all of us were shocked n jus stared at each other in silence coz we dunno wad to say..

this is wad da world had turned into..children dun bother spending festivals with their parents even in their dyin days..old ppl dun really ask for much..juz da simple act of calling them ah ma actually pleases them..da way these ppl treat ther parents is pathethic..juz pathetic..

2006-10-01T12:12:00.000+08:00

attachment at ttsh is finally over..

things i'll miss:

da mad rush of da mornin shift to get everythin done by 9..
how funny da patients can get sometimes..
how a particular granny n her relatives kept callin me SITI NURHALIZA(haha..imagine me in da ward n suddenly some1 shoutin siti nurhaliza oh siti nurhaliza..mari sini nenek nak cakap..)
da nice feelin i get when i see patients actually gettin better..
a few of da staff..
da waitin n cursin for da extremely slow lift to come n take us down..
da moanin n groanin n complainin of painful feet..
da sound of the call bell

n many other things..it was a good experience..

2006-09-25T21:06:00.000+08:00

Im tired..my feet hurts n im doin a case study..wad a great life im leading..

2006-09-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

i hope dis is big enuff..haha..anyway,been 2 days in da ward..OMG!!damn fuckin tirin sia..stand all day man..haha..but worth it la..today for da first time i saw my patient smile..man,i felt so damn good coz accordin to da other patients da last time they saw her smile was like 1 week ago..so,haha..imagine sia..

da staff is not bad la..quite nice..willin to teach..so,i think dat would be all since i cant tok too much coz of confidentiality stuff..

2006-09-17T14:49:00.000+08:00

right..tmr i'll be goin for my first ever attachment at ttsh..hopin n prayin nobody dies tmr in my ward..dun wanna be doin last office on my first day..dats it..gotto go n memorise da procedures again..wish myself luck..

2006-09-07T18:02:00.000+08:00

ok izzit juz me or is there somethin very wrong wif singaporeans?i realised dat every time i step into da mrt station im actually gettin ready for a war of some sort..i mean ppl juz seems to get brutal when they step into da fuckin train..they push n shove like a motherfuckin asshole..n wad is up wif youngsters hu juz refuses to give up their seats..i mean pregnant ladies n old ppl r standin while u sit n play wif ur stupid hp?for fucks sake ur not carryin a bloody human in ur stomach n u r not fuckin sufferin frm osteoperosis r u?so y da fuck cant u juz give up ur damn seat to those ppl hu needs it instead of pretendin to sleep?

n also,wad is da matter wif da ppl hu leans on da goddamn pole..its not for leanin assholes its for holdin..ppl lean on da thing n da others have to balance in da stupid train without anythin to hold on to..fuckas..

another irritatin thing are ppl hu makes out in da train..yes,we noe ur in love but seriously,do u have to suck each others face in front of everyone?get a room bozoos..also,to all da fuckin pervs hu tries to take advantage of ppl in da train,may u fuckin rot in hell!!!!i do not appreciate ur stupid grins n ur action of rubbing ur goddamn body against my hand..so to fuck wif u ppl..

2006-08-31T20:14:00.000+08:00

went back to sembawang sec today..it was different being there..saw many ppl which i've not seen for like 300 centuries..a lot of ppl has changed n many thought i've changed too..many many many many ppl said i look COOL now!hahahahahahaha..i would like to tell these ppl dat i think so too..haha..mdm rahimah n mdm sunita was like gossipin abt me sayin "da only red cross gal" has changed so much..wth..my master status in sec sch has become da RC gal..lolx..not dat i mind or anythin but it would be nice if they could remember my name instead of wad cca i was in..lolx..anyway,damn fuckin fun lah..seein da ppl n all..
after seein da teachers,went to causeway wif vicky,shah n izuan..caught "da devil wears prada"..do movie not bad lah but not excellent either..overall i think i'll give it 3/5 stars..haha..like fuck oni..hu da hell do i think i am giving a rating for a movie..lolx

2006-08-29T21:42:00.000+08:00

a friend of urs called for u today..i was shocked..so was she..she didnt noe u were gone..i was so relieved i was da 1 hu picked up da phone..if it was mom..
all da memories juz came floodin back when she called..dat night..da days dat followed..
im so sorry i wasnt there when u left..i wish i was..everyday,i think of wad could be if i was juz there..
i guess we will never noe will we..

2006-08-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

yup yup yup..went out wif OH JIA WEN today..we went to 'da place' today..it was quite crowded but it was TONNES of fun lah..miss oh gave me a cute birthday teddy bear today..THANKS OH JIA WEN!!!...haha..anyway,i guess no matter wad we do,da company is wad matters..if da company sucks den no matter wad u do,da thing will be boring..lucky for all da ppl out there dat im a gd company..muahahaha...ya,anyway,we took like so many photos lah..n i really dunno why da fuck da alignment of da photos is like dis..i guess im juz an ass in dis kind of shit..so,for further photos,pls refer to ms oh jia wen's blog..ok i noe it sounds pathetic but wad da fuck..hu cares..

2006-08-14T22:08:00.000+08:00

how much more can my heart take?

2006-08-04T23:12:00.000+08:00

fuck it....i m trully very sorry but i can't be da son dat u lost..i tried to be like him but i juz cant..but,pls dun keep scoldin n gettin mad at me for dat..im tired of havin to be someone im not..i really really need a break from ur sarcasm..i need to feel im important to u for hu i m..y cant u understand dat?u juz sit at home all day thinkin of how it used to be n snap at me when i tok to u..i noe ur sad but so m i..im tired n i need someone to go through dis wif me..at least u have ur siblings but i have no one..so please,please stop expecting more of me when all i have given is my best..i dun wanna end up hatin u..

2006-08-03T20:07:00.000+08:00

met up wif vans today after skool..went to swensens to eat dinner together..damn it lah..didnt noe dat we r all sufferin rite now..tot we will be happier but wad a mistake dat was..ppl change so much so quickly...SUX MAN!!!!!we shouldn't be facin dis kind of problems at our age..

anyway,forget abt dat..ms bella said i m cool today so once again i would like to say..MS BELLA U ROCK SISTA!hahahaha

2006-07-27T21:23:00.000+08:00

skool was normal yesterday except for da fact dat i saw fann wong,terence cos,darren lim n another actress whose name im not sure in my skool at da lab..weird..anywayz,today met up wif vicky n ate da choc fondue..n,I LEARNED HOW TO FUCKIN PLAY POOL..THANKS VIC!..

2006-07-22T17:32:00.000+08:00

i saw some1 yesterday..some1 who i was quite close wif in primary skool..she looked a bit different but somehow very familiar..i looked at her n i looked away..i had nothin to say..i noe saw me too..she looked at me n looked away as well..

so dis is how it turned out in da end..gd frenz r turned to strangers in juz a matter of years..time is such a great seperator..fuck it..i wonder sometimes y izzit so hard for me to say hi?maybe its becoz i noe dat we lead our own sepearte lives now?i dunno..anywayz,im sure dis will happen again n again n again coz dats juz da way life is wif me..ppl juz come n go as they wish disregardin everythin..
fuck da world for screwin me..
fuck da ppl whom i tot were frenz..
fuck myself for believin there is such a thing as a "friend"..

its ok..i will no longer feel hurt coz i am now numb..i refuse to trust n believe dat ppl care coz dissapointment sux..i refuse to trust..i refuse to trust..i refuse to trust..
i am now alone...

2006-07-14T19:24:00.000+08:00

i looked at the sky today..
i saw many clouds..
i couldn't make out the clouds..
i couldn't imagine a shape for the clouds..
i realised today..
the child in me..
is gone..

2006-07-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

hmm..skool was normal today..i actually PASSED my bio test which is like so fuckin amazin lah..anywayz,went out wif vickypoo today..went to northpoint..it was like rainin like hell n dat ass made me walk to da pasar malam..n dat pasar malam had a mini flood lah so we wanted to go back to northpoint..den,all of a sudden,da rain startin puorin..like really pour man..n i was standin there wif my lappy in my bag singin songs in da rain wif vic while screamin for da fucked up cars to move faster..hahahaha..stupid i noe..n,haha,i went to switch off da lights in da northpoint toilet..haha..i can be so stupid sometimes..lolx..cant stand myself!

2006-07-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

ok today wasnt as bad as yesterday..at least i wasnt in my pms mood..but,i still felt groggy coz BIO test is comin up in 2 days time!my goodness!n there's juz so many fuckin bones n muscles to study..not to mention da tissues...FUCK!
anywayz,learnt how to listen for sounds in da body today..quite interesting..ms bella allowed us some time to practise it on our own..den she came by to my grps bed to ask if we had any qn..some1 asked somethin n she asnwered..den,she turned to me n da funniest thing happened..she asked me if i had any qn...i said no den out of nowhere,she juz said,"I LIKE YOUR NEW HAIRSTYLE"HAHAHAHAHA..how weird is dat..ms bella..suddenly sayin dat..i was damn high after dat man..ms bella said she liked my new hairstyle..she fuckin noticed da change....HAHA..so damn cute lah she..
THANKS MS BELLA FOR MAKIN MY DAY!

2006-07-01T22:03:00.000+08:00

Cant believe i actually went to bugis again..went wif vic today..bought a bag n a shirt..damn tired sia..n come home still go tonnes of projects n presentations to do..now im actually listenin to classical music..yup,CLASSICAL music..damn appreciation for the arts..i actually bought a cd to actually analyse da songs n guess wad?i have 60 songs to freakin choose frm..which means,i have to listen to ALL da 60 songs before choosin 1 or 2 to write da essay with..FUCK lah..dis is worser den lit coz im like a total music idiot..(as u all might noe da oni musical instrument instrument i've touched in my entire life is da RECORDER!)..rite now,vivaldi's four seasons:winter is playin..think i'll pick dis 1..

2006-06-27T20:27:00.000+08:00

ok ok ok ok ok...went to Naked Shoppe again today wif Jess da chicken rice freak..haha..we shared a chicken chop n had a chocolate fondue each..damn nice lah da fondue..not too sweet...da chicken chop sucked though..dis is da second time we gone to eat dat fondue..was quite shocked dat she actually had FEELINGS man n sort of understood how i felt sia..haha..i had always tot of her of an unfeelin gal hu walks aroung broodin all day..i respected u for dat jess n den,u showed feelings..there goes my respect for u..muahahahahahaha...

n i noticed dat jess kept lookin at me when i was seriously doin my work..i noe u find me attractive n cool when i do my work..hehe..someones got a cruch on me.........hahaha..dun try to deny ok..i saw u droolin juz now..lolx..(for those of u out there who is beginnin to think we're lesbians,we're not!)

anywayz,nothin much in skool nowadays..juz TONNES of projects lah..damn boring sia!oh ya,learnt how to put on a condom today..lolx..things i do for da sake of nursin..n guess wad?da dummy had to use da XXL sheath sia!can u imagine..haha..n miss bella was like so funny when she explained to us wad to do when da guys get an erection when we're puttin on da condom..hahahahaha....ok..im sick i noe..

hahaha..a commandment to follow..thou shall be quick when puttin on a sheath for a guy..LOLX

2006-06-25T12:22:00.000+08:00

STOP!pls stop cryin..pls..im beggin u..i cant live in a place where some1 is cryin all da time..i really cant ..i've tried but i really cant..i dunno y but i get depressed too whenever i c u cry..i really really wish u cld juz stop..u say u wanna move house..have u thought abt me?has any1 of u ever thought abt me?wad gd does it make to uproot our lives n move to somewhere else?he's still gone..livin in a new place wont change dat fact..dis is more den enough for me to deal wif n now im supposed to do it in a new environment?i like where we're livin in right now..i dun c da need to move..i dun wanna move..there's juz too many memories here..maybe dats y u wanna leave..
i will go though if dat is wad u really want..if dat will make u feel better,i will move wif u..i juz want things to b like wad they used to be..i guess dats stupid coz it'll never happen..i have to live in a world of darkness now..i wish i was da 1 hu had gone coz i seriously believe u'll be less sad..u were so close wif him..n to have dat taken away..
i noe im selfish at times..but i have no choice..there's is no 1 here to take care of me..i have to take care of myself..i have to appear strong in front of u n appear happy in front of da rest of da world..n im so tired of doin dat now..i wish u could understand me..i wish some1 could understand me..

2006-06-18T21:01:00.000+08:00

hey,went to bugis AGAIN today..wif jess dis time..went to cut my hair there..da place is called RAWKZ or somethin like dat..JESS helped me choose da hairstyle..actually,it was more of her n da stylist creation..not bad lah dat jess,quite talented in hairstylin..so,i juz sat there like a moron while they discussin wad to do wif my hair..haha..stupid but true..but,in da end,it was quite nice lah..jess made sure dat person did a gd job n not juz anyhow trim..if not my mom will say i waste money again..at da end of it all,i wanna thank ms jelly leg for her help..THANKS JESS!(for those of u out there hu is clueless abt wad to do wif ur hair,ask jess..)hehe..chiao peeps :p

2006-06-17T21:23:00.000+08:00

today,went out wif vic n sal..went to sgh first in da mornin to sign da bond thingy..after dat went to bugis..been quite a long time since i been there..everythin is da same lah..vic bought a pair of pants n den she bought a charmbracelet for each of us..hoe sweet..thanks vic..

we walked ard a little bit den i saw dis stall sellin perfume..da bottles seems cute so we went there to c..da gal there asked sal if she wanted to smell da perfume..she asked sal ONLY ok!she didnt ask me..sal didnt wanna smell so she said dun wan so da gal put da thing down n walked away..i picked da thing up aft ahe took da FEW steps away n smelt it..i DIDNT even ask for her assistance ok!i was mindin my own business when she walked to da front n fuckinly said in MANDARIN to her fren "juz now i ask them to smell they dun wanna smell!now den they wanna smell!"..MOTHERFUCKIN piece of CRAP!i wanna smell ur prob izzit!im ur bloody customer ok n u still gimme fuckin attitude!
so,after hearin da bitch's comment,i said "dis is BAD service!LETS GO!"..i threw her a dirty glance n she actually dare to diao(dunno correct spellin anot)sia..can u belive dat motherfuckin bitch!DAMN her!luckily i was very tired sia if not she sure kena frm me already..
i really cant stand bad service man..these type of ppl should juz go home n wash their ass or somethin..if ur not willing to fake a smile den dun join sales idiotic bitch!..DAMN CB!

2006-06-16T22:34:00.000+08:00

today i spent da entire day wif jess..we were like supposed to do dis journal thing for 1028..SUX lah!ppl finished it within a few hrs n we took like a few days..haha..probably its becoz we're like crappin wif each other abt 90% of da time..lolx..we were like tokin abt fuckin things dat was totally irrelevant n things dat humans dun usually tok abt..but,i goota admit it was quite fun lah..did u hear me jess,i ADMIT i had fun OK?haha..n pls lah,i DIDN'T purposely drag da project so dat i can c u everyday ok!i think dats wad ur doin though..hehehe..anywayz,gonna cut my hair on sunday wif jess..hope there will actually b a change n not juz like a 2inch dif..haha..erm,nth else to write already..so,i dunno..how do u usually end a blog?hehe..
(i noe i sound like a bimbo but i swear im not 1..i'm juz not used to bloggin..)

2006-06-13T20:14:00.000+08:00

went to da police station today..crap sia..oni 1 person askin so had to wait for 1hr+ before my turn to give my statement..ok lah..not as bad as i thought..juz go in n answer qn oni..
they couldn't find da cause of death..so,basically,i dunno y my bro died..WTF!but nvm lah..guess God loves him more den we do..really miss him..
msg to all u peeps out there..treasure ur siblings..they may be da most irritatin creature in da face of dis planet n they do most stupidest things but u will really be lost without them..wish i had more time wif him..

2006-06-11T20:54:00.000+08:00

1 month ago..

1+am:
-i felt like i was havin a fever
-i called home usin my hp thinkin dat u might pick it up n get me some medicine..u didnt
-i went out of my room,sick,i saw ur lights on,i ignored it..
-i went to mom's room n woke her up,asked her to get me some medicine
-she got up n took it
-she passed da medicine to me n tried to go in ur room..
-it was locked,she took da key..
-u were on da floor..she thought u were sleepin..she scolded u for not shuutin da windows..
-she called u to get on da bed..no response..she called again..nothin..
-she got scared n yelled for dad..he came runnin n i did too..
-i saw u on da floor..bloated n blue..
-i ran to my room to get my hp n called an ambulance..
-i ran back to ur room,i took ur pulse..nothin..
-i was scared but i didnt dare show it..mom is panickin..
-dad n i started givin cpr..
-again,nothin..
-i knew u were gone but i didnt wanna believe it..
-da ambulance came n did somethin to ur body..no response..
-they took u away..mom followed da ambulance..i went wif dad on his bike..
-at tan tock seng,we waited for da doctors to come out..
-he came n said..u were gone..
-mom was screamin..
-grandma was breathless..
-i started to tear..somehow it all seems real oni aft da doctor said it was true..
-we were brought to c u..
-u looked so peaceful..like u were sleepin..
-i kissed ur forehead,it was cold..so cold..

12+pm:
-u came home..they put u in mom's room..
-i looked at u..u were smilin..u seem like how u used t look when u pretend to sleep when i walked in ur room..
-i cried..
-the gave u ur last shower n lay u at the hall..where we would see u for da last time..
-i kissed ur forehead again..cold..
-i wiped my tears..u were leavin..
-i didnt have da strength to follow u to ur final restin place..
-i was sick,i didnt want ppl to worry abt me there..

now:
-u've been gone for a month..
-i miss u so much..
-our memories often play in my mind..both gd n bad..
-funny how our arguments seems so silly now..
-i want u to noe dat i will take care of mom n dad..dun worry..
-i noe u were proud dat i was to become a nurse..i will be a gd 1 for u..
-i noe dat i've never said this before but i want u to noe dat...
-i love u..

2006-06-09T20:52:00.000+08:00

hmm..i'm finally gonna start bloggin properly now..val created a blog for me n now i have to update it.no choice!but its ok..since she helped me create a blog da least i can do is update it rite?so,thanks val! :)

lets see,today..had a break dat was 6hrs long!can u believe it..6hrs!so,to occupy da time,being da gd student i am,i went to town wif da crew to watch Slither..damn fuck man..it was soooooooo boring...juz a few shockin moments..its ok lah coz watchin jess got shocked is like so fuckin funny..HAHA!(i hope she sees dis)...

skool had been ok so far..MISS my frenz like crazy ok..thank god hols is here den can meet up wif them..erm,i dunno wad to write already..i'm a virgin in these bloggin thing ok so ya'll have to pardon me..guess dats all..

2006-06-04T20:14:00.000+08:00

i hate my life